I know you know, that on this day I am thinking of you. But in fact you are in my mind and heart every day, every day of the past five years; sometimes you just appear for a short time as the memories surface; other times you linger quite a bit and get me leak a tear or two from my eyes; often you just come and say Hello, on a beautiful day, in a park, as I jog
So they were all wrong when they thought that time would take away our passion and fade our love. But then who loves the way you loved me? I’m still baffled at the purity and simplicity of it—Mum, I just love you and want to be with you, that’s all; you don’t need to give me a treat; but if you do, I’ll be gratified to take it, for the fun of it, not the purpose of my love.
Another year. Can’t believe that it was five years ago. I know it’s cliché to say how I still remember every detail on that final day; it’s almost annoying to those who don’t really understand our relationship. So I keep my feelings to myself. I’ve learnt to let them come, and put them away afterwards, yet never avoid or deny them. Max, you taught me well. And I’m doing fine.
I’ve of course aged, and am becoming wiser. I bet you’re wiser, too, but have become young again. They say time doesn’t exist in Heaven, and aging is irrelevant there. In a way, it’s something wonderful to look forward to, isn’t it? But before I reach Heaven, I’ve got to endure pain and suffering, and the agony of a permanent exit with no return. Just to think of how my daughter, your little sister, would lament makes my heart ache. I guess it is our human condition to feel ambivalent with our own existence; we desire, we dread; we work for it, we escape from it, we easily indulge ourselves, yet we give up quickly. You dogs are much more straightforward. You love life, and you strive for it, never feel bored, always ready to enjoy, not trying to cheat, embracing what’s there for you, not taking it for granted, not worrying about that ailment or pain; you live for the present and every single moment. You don’t count the time or the loss of it; every day is a new start and excitement; until one day you can’t go on anymore. When it’s time to depart, you find a cosy place to lie down, calm and quiet and accepting what is to come.
I remember how I restrained myself at the sight of your frailty on your last day; I wanted so much to hug you tightly and cry out my heart, yet I realised it was a sacred moment for you, for you had run your run and completed your journey. You were ready to move on to another journey. So instead of indulging in my emotion, I respected your dignified departure by giving you peace, no fuss, no stir. And when I finally farewelled you, you summoned all your energy to raise your upper body to give me a proper ‘good-bye’; your eyes wide open, still radiating love and devotion. We don’t find a human like that.
And you were not just a dog–you were that Angel sent by God, armed with a power to rescue me. You were to accomplish a mission, to uplift and comfort, to enlighten and guide; opening the eyes of the human to see far, big and beyond. And indeed you achieved what no human could achieve. Well done, my dearest friend.
Autumn has finally arrived. May is intriguingly romantic, as you know, while dusk gradually lands dimming the world, and the cool air discreetly appears softening the bewildered heart. Often I take a walk stepping on the dry brown leaves, hearing their whispering sound, and imagining your company by my side, or in front of me. I love to talk to you, as the stars present themselves and the breeze gathers strength, surrounding me with a sentimental thrill. I hug myself and steady my steps, thinking how pleasurable those evening outings were, with you, for you, because of you; and I come home with an overflowing gratitude and a stuffed nose and moist eyes. It’s such a blessing to have owned you.
It was so much fun, wasn’t it? And how you made me smile and laugh and sing and dance! If I could do it all over again, I wouldn’t hesitate to take up the challenge again, dedicating my time and energy and attention and care; I would make it perfect this time, with you, for you, because of you. If only I could drag you down from Heaven.
But I’d rather you enjoy your heavenly joy now, and wait patiently for me to be raised there, one day. So let’s promise to meet again there, no matter what.